- Have you ever loved someone or deeply cared for someone and they didn’t love you back?
- Have you ever felt as if you had lost yourself because of heartbreak?
- Have you ever had high expectations about someone and they couldn’t live up to your expectations?
If your answer was yes to all of these or most of these questions then maybe in some point of your life ,you’d experienced unrequited love. However, in my terminology I refer to unrequited love as one-sided love. One-sided love because it is unbalance in its nature; one-sided love because one partner has a higher level of love and appreciation than the other. If a relationship has these characteristics then it is labeled as an unbalanced relationship or a relationship where unrequited love lives.
I know as a child, well as a female and I guess for males, we couldn’t wait to grow up. We couldn’t wait to start a family. We couldn’t wait to find that special person that we can share passionate and mutual love with. As children, we were living in a dream world and as a result we didn’t understand the bitter side of love.
How could we when on the television and in books we heard and read about happily ever after and we wanted a taste of that. When we became adolescents, we experienced puppy love or first love. In our adult stage, some of us started to see the bitter side of love. This bitter side of love includes infidelity, insecurity and even unrequited love or as I call it “one-sided love”.
“One-sided love” usually occurs when a relationship fails to develop. Sometimes a relationship is formed base on sex, money, fame and dependency. A relationship usually never mature or blossoms if these are the grounds. If the grounds of a relationship happened to be sex, money, fame or even dependency, it often results in one partner developing stronger feelings than the other.
The scale is then unbalance when one partner has stronger feelings than the other; and in the game of love it is usually a two-way street, not one lane but a two-way street. As a result, hearts are often broken. The person with the broken heart is usually the one that has the stronger feelings and eventually they are forced in a state of depression.
Why Does “One-Sided Love” Exist?
One study stated that unrequited love belongs to the class of relationship failures that includes couples who break up or fail to bond because of family pressures, geographical separation and religious differences. Others say that unrequited love exists when one partner refuses love because of interpersonal vulnerability that goes with forming close relationship.
As I type this, I remember a discussion I had with my boyfriend who told me that he isn’t looking for love. However, one day when I was going home and I told him that I heard gunshot in my area, he couldn’t keep still until he knew I was safe; or when he sheltered me from the rain with his body; his clothes were bathed in rainwater. He wasn’t looking for love then but I guess love surely found him. The reference I made to my boyfriend shows the concept that I believe that people who love less do so because they choose not to love.
When you are in love or start to develop feelings, you become more vulnerable. This vulnerability leads some to refuse love. I guess they refuse love because they don’t want to lose themselves in this uncontrollable world pool called love. An example of this exists in the Jamaican Society. In the Jamaican informal term a man who says he is bad man or ‘gyallis’ wouldn’t want his friends to find out that he does house chores or washes the undergarments of his girlfriend!
Why? They do this because they don’t want to be referred to as a ‘punk’ or ‘love sprung’ so they normally put their guard ups. Moreover, I believe in order to create or keep a certain identity, these individuals that opt to love less, project an invisible fence around their emotions; their feelings; their actions to keep intruders out. You know just as how a skunk will spray their preys to keep them away, likewise individuals who opt less do so to keep preys away; this is defensive mechanism behavior.
Let’s be realistic, a person that has invisible barbed wired fence combined with invisible shock around their emotions, around their heart, around their actions will definitely not take risk! They will definitely not take risk because of vulnerability and they love the little invisible box that they are in, which they think keeps them protected from all forms of danger.
These individuals often become emotionally detached because of the amount of layers around their emotions. This is probably the most annoying thing ever especially for a partner who is in a relationship with someone who is like this.
A word of Advice
If you are frustrated with someone who is emotionally detached, it is best to understand where they are coming from. Maybe a little therapy may help; but bear in mind it is never good to become depressed because of a partner’s behavior; it is best to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy. What do you guys think are the basis of one-sided love?